2011 koptein 2012

Slipped out of 2011 and into 2012 just like that, like I slipped into Osaka and out of it, just like that. Not even a ripple in the fabric of space-time. From work to the family vacation and back to work with nary a breath in between. If I was an aria singer, I would be renown for holding the longest note, or a diver who can stay underwater for the longest period of time.

What has changed? Are things supposed to change? Last year was yesterday; why is that any different from other yesterdays?

My body trembles with ghosts of fevers and I am afraid that it may be a perpetual haunting.

Radiohead’s Creep plays in my head on its own volition and I wonder if I am the still the teenage creep I used to be or the that I want to be an angel who floats like a feather in a beautiful world.

Where thus has my soul retreated into? Has it crossed the border of verb and noun?

My words press down on me like birds notched on a low sky, keening. I try to understand the fire’s aging and singe my hair. It is now a dark brown, no longer the tawny brilliance of dulled golden coin. I can only be her friend or sister, I have no desire to be her mother.

He is being selfish but I love him. To give up would be to admit and prove that love is selfish. Oh, and I hear that one of his friends and his wife (childless) are going trekking in the mountains of Patagonia for a full month…

The trees outside are spangled with sunlight and dried leaves fizz and pop as the bold breeze egg them along the concrete sidewalk. Sunlight so ethereal and crisp after the previous day’s continuous rain. A beautiful reprieve from the constant thump and pounding of the construction site – it is the eve of a long holiday and silence reigns.

I watch my washing sway in the breeze in the window adjacent to the one where I sit by now and wonder, –

When will the two of me ever live side by side in peace?

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