Solitude is Unfashionable, but I Wear it.

It’s the morning after a sleepless night of being afraid i’m going to hear footsteps on the stairs or a key in the lock that would smoke out my hiding place. My eyes are gritty and puffy and i slip downstairs for another fag.

Solitude is not my problem, it’s the wanting for people to respect and understand my solitude and friendlessness. Facebook does nothing to alleviate the pain of not feeling confident enough to pull it off. Solitude has evolved for me. Solitude has become like fashion, superficial and frivolous. Solitude is a burlap sack worn (sometimes involuntarily or voluntarily) to make a statement and to inject a uniqueness into a sea of suits and ties but makes the skin chafe and burn.

The funny thing is that i’m constantly being surrounded by people and it makes me even more aware and self-conscious of this strange, almost hair-shirted existence. My whole being prickles when i come into contact with another person. In this burlap sack i find it difficult to deal with the presence of another being. I wish i could just up and leave and nobody make a peep about my disappearance. That would be pathetic and sad but at least i’ll be left alone with my burlap sack. God give me a deserted island, please, with a dictionary.

Yesterday when i came into the office i bumped into a cat licking itself on the compressor. I edged closer. It stared back at me with an affronted look and i smiled, hoping to win its confidence and we could become friends but it maintained its cool, steady gaze, not moving, silently telling me to go away, i’m busy, don’t bother me with your paltry invitation to celebrate our affinity, it’ll never work out. So, feeling a bit like an intruder and a freak, i backed away from the cat, and, as if nothing had happened, it went back to washing itself, like that was all that mattered in the world.

Who would survive longer on a deserted island – me or the cat? The cat, obviously, if I don’t fall on some sharp reefs and get carried away by the tide. The cat wouldn’t even attempt to get into the water. I think human beings are finally taking a turn and devolving. Animals and insects etc still have the potential for evolution but not us. What else can we become other than pair our biology with technology?

I want a technology that desensitises the grotesque feeling of this burlap sack i have on.

Me, me, me. Even though I have a loving partner that pays attention to details, I’ll always go through life feeling sidelined and under appreciated, because nobody cares if the edge of the eye of the needle is beveled or rounded.

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