1303 Sunday Romatronic Astromantique

When I look back at family life for the past 20 odd years, I feel a twinge of regret and sadness because I know it could’ve been better and that I am finally leaving it all behind.

I exit this chapter with much antagonism from my mother, fear for the uncertain future, a fond, nostalgic backward glance at the good memories and burst through the door of womanhood, adulthood and loving partnership (with the man of my dreams) with a violent thrust of the winged foot. Perhaps with a brief spell of doubt but no more. Some thresholds once crossed cannot be re-crossed until after a long time.

Has anybody ever asked you if you believed in fate? My answer would often vary according to the parties spoken to. I’ve never bothered to ask myself if I did as I’ve always felt strongly that fate was a two-sided coin of the power of your own desire and destiny. Some things you want badly but cannot ever have, some things you want badly and it comes to you from serendipity. Luck, chance, happenstance – are you the game maker or the game player… Doesn’t this element of the unknown make life beautiful for all its pain and heartaches?

When last Monday and Tuesday was cold, Sunday was all kinds of wonderful – was silver screen kisses,  秒速5公分 , the whirlwind of Bartok’s Melodia and the chaos in my heart straightening itself out and streaming forwards into a Milky Way Mobius strip.

I struggled to keep my head above water when he said that perhaps one day he would like to justify what we have on paper while wearing a wry smile [a retort to what I wrote earlier in this post but decided to take out after this (“i don’t want kids, he doesn’t want kids, we don’t think marriage is justifiable with just a piece of paper…”)]. Emotion sloshed around in my head and I was seasick with love. He said he loved me.

How quickly I knew that if he took me anywhere i will go with him.


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