How many angels can sit on the head of a pin?

Recently a friend of mine had given me something to read:

Scenarios and Situations – Part 1

When I was a young thing, I was working at a pharmaceutical company. My boss, the one that interviewed me was an older decent chap. One thing led to another and we became an item. The red flags were there, but the sheer danger of it all, coupled with the secret that we shared was exhilarating. Colleagues would give knowing looks and I would smile at the fact that what my boss and I had was special. Well, as they say, all good things must come to an end, and it was shocking. During this ‘affair’ with my boss I learnt he went through a nasty divorce and like everyone else, he had ‘baggage’.I also found out later all his relationships either ended up failing or it just did not work out, but the fault was always with the other party. At that point, I did not think every story had two sides.

At first the thrill of it was such an aphrodisiac. The secret nods, the winks, the non verbal and verbal cues. Then the questions started. Long story short, it got me thinking of my position and the different scenarios that presented themselves. Was I his best kept secret? There were no public displays of affection, no meeting his friends as there was always an excuse (its a networking thing, its work or just shooting the breeze with some of the guys and their partners, wasn’t I his partner?), I was not part of his inner circle. I was the secret concubine. Was he that ashamed of me that he couldn’t acknowledge me in public? So I theorized:

If he was married, then I would be the other woman, the home wrecker, but that was not the case, so one down. If he was divorced, then I would potentially be the rebound woman, but if he had kids and an alimony to pay, then I would be the defacto stepmother, instant family for me and justification that moving on was the right thing to do for him, potentially a minefield, but show me what relationships aren’t, I told myself. Now, if he was older, divorced and had kids, then where would I fit in? Would I be part of his mid-life crisis? Would I be a willing audience to his ‘baggage’, the bitterness, the hurt?

It dawned on me that I did think for a moment that I was young, at the cusp of something magical as far as my life went. Deep down, I didn’t want to be tied down by these things, i wanted to live my life, there was still so much in life to experience and explore. I was my own woman, or so I thought. Being a young single woman still had its drawbacks. But I did not heed those early promptings.

I had parents, God fearing parents and what I was in with my boss would surely condemn me to the fires of hell, in the view of my parents. To the letter, that would be what they would tell me, verbatim. Then I thought of my friends. They are my friends right? They would tell me that if it made you happy go for it, right? Wrong, as friends, as comrades, they did say to err on the side of caution. One of my friends even stopped talking to me, why? Because she said I should know better. There was truth to that, but at that moment, I was swept away by the emotions of it all, and I didn’t care.

It occurred to me that this was a journey into my own self discovery. What did I want in life? Did I want to end up being a kept woman? Then I met his ex-wife. I learnt the truth. Its all about fidelity or the lack of she said. And then I heard the other side of this story. Was I shocked? No. Did I feel stupid that he did not tell me the truth? Yes. Did I feel used? Yes. Betrayed? Yes. I did not blame his ex-wife for all this, I blamed myself because I had blinders on, I only saw what I wanted to see, after all, he was my boss, the man I held on a pedestal, the all knowing, the wisest of the wise, the man that I sometimes daydream I would spend the rest of my life with. Truth has a unique way of making you crash back to reality.

Am I wiser? I think so. but nothing can erase that feeling of stupidity that I felt for the longest time. The feeling of being taken for a ride. In retrospect, it was a lesson learnt for life. I guess it can happen to any woman, and in the same token, this could be any man, not just my ex-boss that took me for a ride. But I guess, the next time, it would be wise to go into something, with both eyes open, and not be carried away by the emotions of it all. The sad thing is this; I gave him a part of myself, that part is lost forever, replaced by a healing scab, only to be ripped off by the next thing that comes my way.

“At first the thrill of it was such an aphrodisiac. The secret nods, the winks, the non verbal and verbal cues.”

There were certainly non verbal and verbal cues, but none of it really struck me as thrilling. Perhaps I am a lot more cold and detached from my emotions – maybe in the beginning it was just the sex…At this point of time in my life I think I am more in touch with the wolf than the man inside of me. Somebody help me if I turn out like Steppenwolf though!

Some questions that she has asked that could possibly interest me:

• Was I his best kept secret? There were no public displays of affection, no meeting his friends as there was always an excuse (its a networking thing, its work or just shooting the breeze with some of the guys and their partners, wasn’t I his partner?), I was not part of his inner circle. I was the secret concubine. Was he that ashamed of me that he couldn’t acknowledge me in public?

• If he was divorced, then I would potentially be the rebound woman, but if he had kids and an alimony to pay, then I would be the defacto stepmother, instant family for me and justification that moving on was the right thing to do for him, potentially a minefield, but show me what relationships aren’t, I told myself. Now, if he was older, divorced and had kids, then where would I fit in? Would I be part of his mid-life crisis? Would I be a willing audience to his ‘baggage’, the bitterness, the hurt?

• I had parents, God fearing parents and what I was in with my boss would surely condemn me to the fires of hell, in the view of my parents. To the letter, that would be what they would tell me, verbatim. Then I thought of my friends. They are my friends right? They would tell me that if it made you happy go for it, right? (Not that I had many to tell my ‘good’ news to begin with)

• What did I want in life? Did I want to end up being a kept woman?

• Am I wiser?

• Am I being taken for a ride?

I am sure that at the end (or beginning, who knows, maybe I am the exception, I like keep a positive mindset that I have an exceptional life) of it all, the only person I’ve got to blame is myself.


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  1. 2 things…

    1. i’m a friend.(yay, does dance of joy)
    2. am just guessing on this one, but i have read this passage before…somewhere…just guessing..

    as always, be well…

      • rareroundheadrubies
      • October 7th, 2010

      1. haha. yes you are. 🙂
      2. what do you mean? which passage?

  2. how goes it ms steppenwolf? to your answer to question 2…the above passage was the one i sent to you, hence the familiarity.

    so, derived any conclusions from the above passage? what happens next? settling for mediocrity or do you want to start being your own woman?

    just a thought…everyone has got a warped view of what love is all about these days..whats yours?

    as always, be well.

  3. psst. john smith lives…

    how goes it alice?

    still in bed with the same set of circumstances as before?

    hope you are well..

    H.Haller

      • rareroundheadrubies
      • November 22nd, 2010

      Hello. How are you? I am very well, thank you.

  4. hello. i am well, thank you. i see that avoidance is still a healthy part of your universe. :o)

    as always, be well.

      • rareroundheadrubies
      • November 25th, 2010

      So, what have you been up to lately?

  5. Awesome weather today.

      • rareroundheadrubies
      • November 26th, 2010

      Yes, now it is ok, but it was just scorching in the morning.

  6. When everyone else fails you, your family will be there by your side, helping you pick up the pieces of your life.

      • rareroundheadrubies
      • November 28th, 2010

      I don’t know what it is: your conceited preambles that descend into utter flatulence in parody of ‘having a conversation’ or, for want of saying something, pick a topic out of the oldest of books and fail even to use that as a conversation-saver, that irks me more. Truth is, I don’t need your preachy, holier-than-thou bullshit besmirching this door.

      I run the risk of offending you, but what is the loss of yet another friend to me if I have to put up with such crap and not be able to speak my mind?

  7. :o) wow. talk about striking a nerve and then some. holier than thou? nah, preachy? that’s rich, but no. bullshit? only time will tell. offending me? you’re flattering yourself again.

    have a good week ahead.

  8. anyways, it wasn’t my intention to offend, so i do apologize.

      • rareroundheadrubies
      • December 22nd, 2010

      its ok. maybe i overreacted.

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